How to: Get Over the Fear of Failure

Hello, Reader!

If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you probably know that, around October, I began a journey of self-improvement and self-empowerment which I documented through Instagram posts. Since I’ve deleted most of them - you’ll just have to take my word for it. A big part of this journey was overcoming my fear of failure as a part of coming to terms with a huge ‘failure’ earlier in the year - not getting into university. Almost a year later, I can say that everything happens for a reason and I needed this year to learn that. Today, I’m going to tell you how I went from seeing myself as a complete flop to being thankful for the path I’m on, but also how I let go of the need to be the best at everything. 

The first step is realising you have a problem. Fear of failure doesn’t always come as being anxious about failing a test; it comes in the form of perfectionism and procrastination and fear of trying something new. Throughout the majority of the years I spent in school, I had a compulsive need to be the best in class and to have the best grades - but it didn’t stop there. In Sixth Form, all my notes needed to be the cleanest and prettiest - anything less than studyblr aesthetic was trash. I had to do all the questions in the book and all the past papers and write all the essays and try all the art media. Every painting had to be absolutely perfect. Every maths paper had to have equal signs perfectly aligned in the exact middle of the page. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t necessary and I’d probably save a lot of time being less extra, but, to me, that was what I needed to do to be the best at everything I did. It didn’t only affect my studies - I developed a hatred for sports because I found that I wasn’t too good at them and if I’m not immediately the best at something then what’s the point, right? If I’m not the best, then I’m a failure - and that’s that. 

Unfortunately, recognising it is only half of the battle because now you have to learn about it. Ask yourself what’s the scary part about that failure; perhaps it’s the reputation or the opinion of your peers that’s holding you hostage, or maybe it’s that you’re placing your self-worth on your grades or presentation of your work, or maybe it’s actually the fear of the consequences certain failures might have on your future. Knowing what it is about failure that’s holding you back, create an action plan of how you can overcome that. For example, if you’re worried about what others might think of you, address those underlying issues; why are worried about this? Is it actually likely that their opinion of you will change if you fail at something? In any case, to get over a fear - whether it’s the fear of failure or anything, really - you have to rationalise it. At the core, there are only two inherent fears that we have, which are the fear of death and the fear of pain. Everything else that we are scared of, pretty much always, boils down to one, or both, of these fears. Let’s take me as an example, I was scared that I wouldn’t be the best because being anything less-than would change others’ perception of me, therefore I would lose their respect, therefore I would get bullied, therefore - pain. Realistically, this was all in my head - nobody would’ve bullied me at that age and if they did, by any chance, I would know how to stand up for myself. This is what I mean by rationalising: looking at this progression and realising that most likely it wouldn’t play out like that because of the person you are and the things you can do to stop it. Another example; not being the best, so failing at everything, so failing my exams, so not going to university, so ending up in a dead-end job I hate, so becoming miserable, so dying alone. Again, rationally, if I wasn’t the best at everything it doesn’t mean that suddenly I’d be the worst and fail all my exams. Even if I did fail my exams, I could retake them or if I decided I didn’t want to, I could find a job which I’d enjoy that doesn’t require a degree. If I ended up in a dead-end job, I could always quit it and find something I’d favour more. This kind of rationalising was something that helped me a lot when dealing with failure as well as overcoming my fears in general. 

Except for this kind of spiralling, fears can also come from ignorance. By that, I mean that if you don’t know much about fear and how to use it to your benefit then it can be really scary. I found that I wasn’t acquainted with the failure in the way that I was experiencing it - so I learned about it and analysed it and thought about it until it was something I understood and was familiar with. Something I found really useful was “a list of truths about failure” from Robert Spadinger. I focused on each ‘point’ every week, applying it to my own failure and analysing it from the angle of the points. 

1. Failure is an integral part of the way to success and self-realization.
2. Whenever you step outside the comfort zone and whenever you try something new, failure becomes inevitable.
3. Each failure brings you one step closer to reaching your goals.
4. Failure is a great teacher and it allows you to learn some of the most valuable life lessons.
5. Each failure makes you stronger, bigger and better.
6. Making mistakes is not a big deal as long as you learn from them and avoid repeating them.
7. Failure teaches you that a certain approach may not be ideal for a specific situation and that there are better approaches.
8. Successful people will never laugh at you or judge you when you fail because they have already been there and they know about the valuable lessons you can learn from failure.
9. No matter how often you fail, you are not a failure as long as you don’t give up.
10. Each time you fail, your fear of failure becomes smaller, which allows you to take on even bigger challenges.

Lastly - fail. To get over a fear, you need to do the thing that scares you. Of course, I’m not saying that you should fail a test on purpose or sabotage an application, but how about trying new things that you think you won’t succeed at. Learn from mistakes you make and take each failure as a lesson. Another thing, if you don’t have the opportunity to fail or can’t afford to do so, is to analyse your past ‘failures’ - did you see it as a failure at the time? How did you deal with it at the time? How would you deal with it now? What was the result of this failure? Was it the same or different than expected?

When getting over a fear, you have to ask yourself many questions and dig deep inside yourself to find answers. Good luck!

Love,

Agnes xo